Day 5 With My Newborn: The Newborn Has Taken Over—Send Help (and Snacks)

It’s Day 5 with our newborn. Or as I now refer to it: Day 5 of the Siege.

I remember a time, long ago (last week) when I thought I was a functioning adult, had a schedule, wore real pants. I made tea and drank it hot. Now? I’m unsure if it’s morning, evening, or a parallel universe where the currency is pacifiers and nobody has slept since 2003.

Let me take you through today:

Day 5 with our newborn- 4:12 a.m.

Woke up in a cold sweat. Not from a nightmare—just the baby staring at me like a tiny, cute but judgmental potato. She hasn’t blinked since Tuesday. I think she knows things. For this reason, my husband is no longer allowed to touch me. In all seriousness, I have no idea why I am sweating so much. What the heck is wrong with me?

6:00 a.m.

Changed what I thought was a simple diaper. Surprise: it was a Code Brown. A full-scale blowout. It defied physics. I’ve seen less destruction in war documentaries. My husband whispered, “She’s so powerful…” and left the room. I haven’t seen him since.

8:00 a.m.

Attempted breastfeeding. Baby latched onto my arm like a confused vampire. We both cried. Honestly, I cried because I am sure I suck at this….

10:15 a.m.

Read an article that said, “enjoy every moment.” Then proceeded to immediately write the author a strongly worded email. It’s still in my drafts. I just don’t even know where to begin with that statement….

Day 5 with our newborn- Noon – I think…

We tried tummy time. She hated it. I hated it. The cat judged us from across the room.

2:00 p.m.

Baby slept for 17 minutes straight. I used the time to stare blankly at the wall and Google “Is it normal to love your baby and also fantasize about running away to an Airbnb with blackout curtains and no living beings?” I am a horrible mother.

4:00 p.m.

A family member said, “She’s so alert!” Which I now understand is code for “This baby will never nap again and neither will you.”

Day 5 with our newborn- almost over- maybe? 6:00 p.m.

Baby smiled! A real, honest-to-goodness smile! I was overwhelmed with emotion… until I realized she was pooping. Again. Into the fourth outfit of the day. At this point, I think she’s just flexing.

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Reflections So Far:

Parenting is beautiful. It’s miraculous. It’s a waking fever dream with fewer snacks. My body feels like it’s been hit by a bus made entirely of soft lullabies and shame. But when she snuggles in and makes those tiny dinosaur noises? I remember why we did this.

(Then she spits up into my bra and the spell is broken.) Also, I am not exactly sure why I am even wearing a bra anymore, it’s off more than it’s on!

Anyway, thanks for reading. I’ll be back with more updates—assuming I survive the night and don’t accidentally swaddle myself and cry. Wait….a big weighted blanket could totally work as an adult swaddle…hmmm….

Yours in spit-up and sarcasm,
The Sleepless Wonder

I absolutely need a #doulanearme #breastfeedingchallenges #newbornhaze